How to Help Our Struggling Boys
By Craig Osten
Hear, my son, and accept my words,
that the years of your life may be many.
I have taught you the way of wisdom;
I have led you in the paths of uprightness.
When you walk, your step will not be hampered,
and if you run, you will not stumble.
Keep hold of instruction; do not let go;
guard her, for she is your life. – Proverbs 4:10-13 (ESV)
It seems like nearly every month a new article or book comes out lamenting the present state of young men in America – how they lack meaning and purpose in life.
In his book, Of Boys and Men, Richard Reeves chronicles the struggles: One in three men in America – ten million total – with only a high school diploma are now out of the workforce. Men who entered the workforce forty years ago now earn 10 percent less in real income compared to the previous generation. Men account for three out of every four suicides or drug overdoses, and are increasingly isolated, with approximately 15 percent saying they’ve no friends. And, tragically, for future generations, one in five fathers do not live with their children.
How Societal Messages and Lack of Role Models Affect Boys
Back in 1993, NBA superstar and now TV commentator Charles Barkley said in a Nike commercial: “I am not your role model!” His words created a firestorm, but his point was this: a role model should not be a detached professional athlete or entertainment celebrity. A role model should be someone actively involved in a child’s life.
But sadly, for many boys that type of role model doesn’t exist. That is the crux of the problem facing our boys today – the lack of male role models – whether it be a father, coach, teacher, or a scoutmaster – who helps guide boys in their formative years and turn them into what has been commonly known as a “gentleman.”
With no role models, especially in their early formative years, boys have increasingly become lost as they struggle to understand what it means to be a man.
Without these positive influences, they can often become angry, despondent, and self-absorbed – all traits that are not good for them, women, children, and our culture. Instead, they become the opposite of a gentleman –more specifically, men who love God, respect women, nurture children, and take their role as a provider and protector of their family seriously.
In addition, as a society, we focus only on the symptoms while not dealing with the root problem: a society that often marginalizes, mocks, and in some cases, penalizes men who exemplify the traits of faith, commitment, and responsibility. We’ve become a society that has forsaken personal sacrifice for personal “fulfillment” – which isn’t fulfilling at all.
That message of personal fulfillment over personal sacrifice, sadly, resonates with too many young men. The result is our boys – many who’ve been told that their masculinity is “toxic” fail to launch into adulthood, directionless, and become unwilling or unable to accept personal responsibility.
It also makes them easy lures for bad role models that will lead them down dark and ultimately destructive paths.
While there are definite “toxic” behaviors that should never be tolerated – such as domestic violence, rampant promiscuity without personal responsibility, and any form of violent behavior – these behaviors are a manifestation of boys who’ve grown up without healthy male role models – whether it be because of divorce, abuse, or other factors to deny them a solid father figure – to guide and point them in the right direction.
When you combine the lack of good role models with a society that devalues what it means to be a man, you end up with men living without purpose.
The result is our boys and young men become isolated, resulting in either passive depression, unbridled pursuit of pleasure, or explosive anger. And while the results are tragic for men, they are also, in too many cases, tragic for women, as well – as they can’t find young men ready to accept the responsibility of marriage and family but instead just live for themselves.
But there’s hope and direction for our struggling boys. That hope is a relationship with their heavenly Father who can heal the pain from either an abusive father or no father at all – bringing restoration to their troubled souls. And, older Christian men can be God’s vehicles for providing that hope, healing, and restoration.
How Do We Get Our Boys on the Right Track?
Back in 1972, the late Dr. Francis Schaeffer wrote in He Is There and He Is Not Silent, “The dilemma of modern man is simple: he does not know why man has any meaning … This is the damnation of our generation, the heart of modern man’s problem.”
John Stonestreet of the Colson Center writes, “Christians have an answer for a world that obliterates the helpful aspects of sexual difference, pacifies men with distractions and addictions, and promises limitless sexual freedom while dismantling the family. Half of it is God’s original, good design for men and women, one which neither ignores nor abuses sex differences, but calls each other to who they were created to be. The other half is what Christ accomplishes, redeeming what’s been broken by sin. Not only does His redemptive work include masculinity, but His life exemplifies what it means to dignify women, curb the worst excesses of masculinity, and live and die for something bigger than ourselves.”
That’s why it is imperative that Christian men – who have purpose and direction -- come alongside their struggling brothers and provide that meaning – which is first and foremost, a relationship with Jesus Christ – the ultimate role model -- who’ll provide them with the spiritual grounding to become responsible men who put others before themselves. This happens through personal investment in their lives through discipleship and friendship by older men and with a culture that affirms responsible manhood as admirable instead of oppressive.
Jesus says in Matthew 7:24-25: “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock.”
As Christian men, we can point boys and young men to not only hear the words of Christ, but also build their lives anchored to Him – the Rock – that will provide them with spiritual stability and strength. We can turn our struggling boys into thriving young men if we are willing to point them to Christ and invest in their lives. Let’s get started.
If you are interested, please contact our Pastor of Men and Marriage, Todd Robertson, at
About the Writer
Craig Osten is an elder at Highlands Church. He has nearly 40 years of experience working in various executive roles for national and international non-profit organizations. He is the co-author of six books and served as editorial assistant on more than a dozen books for best-selling authors.
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